Healing after a painful past.

A lot of us have gone through so much in our lives, yet we chin up every day and keep moving. But the truth is that, if we do not heal from the pain of our past, it could come back somehow, to sabotage and stop us from attaining our dreams and living a great life. It could affect our work and even our relationships with other people.

Recently on the Wivesroundtable Radio Show, we had Lara Kudayisi, therapist and creator of the Healing Bootcamp, and she took us through her healing journey from indescribable pain.

Lara is a woman who healed from having a child at 19, 14 heartbreaks,15 abortions and a divorce. At her lowest point, she tried to kill herself!  But today, she helps people heal from traumatic experiences, get out of their lowest point and overcome a painful past.

According to Lara, people who commit suicide do not really want to die, they just want to end their pain. But the sad fact is that, the pain doesn’t end with death, it just transfers the pain to their loved ones. 

She took us through the steps one can take, to overcome a painful past.

Here are some of them:

1. Have a reason for staying alive: People have different reasons for wanting to stay alive. You have to find your reason. For Lara, it was her daughter. Her daughter already had a story of growing up with a single parent, which is already seen as a disadvantage in our society. So she didn’t want to put her through the pain of having a mother that committed suicide as she may not recover for that pain. Her daughter was her reason for choosing to stay alive. She didn’t want to transfer the pain of her death to her daughter. Her mum had also lost her husband during this period and she didn’t want to add to her mum’s pain and grief. Lara found her reason to fight.


2. Seek help: There are some things you cannot do yourself. That is why there is a need for therapy. Some even need to be medicated before they are balanced. For Lara, she had to see a therapist, despite being a therapist too. We are all humans and at some point, we all need support from others. She advised that, no matter what you do, you should not avoid seeing a therapist when you need to. Whether you are a counsellor, pastor, therapist, coach etc. You are human first before anything else. Being a therapist means that the things the therapist would tell you, are things you already know. But you at your lowest moment, you still need them to hold your hands. Because helplessness led to your hopelessness, somebody else needs to help you see hope and help you come out of the funk you are in.

3. Find something bigger than you to hold on to: It doesn’t have to be tangible. For some people, it is God. Remembering the terrible things God has protected them from can make them decide not to disappoint their Creator. For some people, it’s knowing that they are a source of inspiration and strength to others, and if they die, those that look up to them may be lost. So, think of something outside of yourself.

Other things one can do to heal from past hurt and pain is to

ACCEPT:  You need to come to a place of acceptance. A lot of people are in denial of their trauma and pain. They keep blaming others for their pain. Accept that you’re a mess, so you can seek ways to get help.

FORGIVE: Forgiveness, in this case, is two pronged. Forgive yourself and forgive those who hurt you. Forgiving them doesn’t mean you are diminishing the effect of what they’ve done. Forgiveness is for you. It helps you become free. Forgive yourself for belittling yourself and thinking too low of yourself. If you don’t forgive yourself, you will self sabotage.

GET CLOSURE: Some people believe closure is all about confronting the people who hurt them, but it’s not always so. Confronting certain people may even aggravate the pain. Sometimes, you have to let go without their apology. And if you must let people know how their actions hurt you, you must be careful how you go about it. Do not attack them because this would make them get defensive instead of remorseful.

START OVER: After going through other processes, people forget that they have to start again. Create a new beginning for yourself, so that you do not repeat the same cycle again. While doing that, you rediscover you. You also need to start knowing who you are, removed from the pain. It is very important you find yourself all over again.

Your healing is possible. But you have to give yourself the permission to heal.

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